Darkness

The darkness takes a hold
Everything feels so damn hard
I feel like giving in
And letting them win
The urges are becoming stronger
More than I can bear
I want to give in
The darkness wants to win
I feel like I’m drowning
Heading down to the deep
Thistle I feel I can’t save me
I can’t do this anymore
As darkness takes a hold

Rage

I feel the pain, the urge for rage.
With all this anger I hold inside
I want to yell, I want to scream
But I don’t have it in me
I feel like I’m at war with the world
Fuck what you’ve been told
No one knows my side
As I’ve kept it all inside
I want to turn and run
Though I’m left feeling so numb
I want to rage, I want to scream
I fucking hate you for what you’ve done to me
The rage is consuming me
For that’s all I can see
My chest is pounding, I can hardly breath
As rage and anxiety take over me

Sad Day

So today should of been my sons 13th birthday. I hate this day. Normally I have my other children or other people around me to help distract me. Though not this year. I got to see Alexi for a couple of hours as he had a hospital appointment. So after that I drove to the cemetery and sat with Bryce for a while. I just want this day to be over with already.

Working Out

So I have decided its time I start taking care of my body. I downloaded both these apps I actually find them pretty good. Today’s workout really focused on my core muscles and I’m kinda really feeling it now.

I feel like I need to loose the mum belly and tone up a bit. I’m not over weight, though I am quiet unfit. I’m aiming for 1 to 2 workouts each day though today’s really killed my stomach muscles. Yoga actually isn’t that bad at all.

What’s your work out routine look like?

That Day

Its almost that day, the day I dread the most every day, and this year I’ll be on my own. My own kids won’t even be with me to help distract me its been 13 years and it still feels like yesterday. If only the hospital acted sooner, who knows you could have still been here. If only I had pushed instead of doing what I was told. I didn’t know. I wonder what you would look like now? I should be planning a birthday party, though instead I’ll be sitting by your grave. Every year I sit and cry wondering why? Why you? What did I do so wrong? I wonder why you can’t be with me. You would think as time went on it would get easier, though it doesn’t, it gets harder. The day you died a piece of me died too. I will never feel whole again. You were born way to soon. There was nothing I could do. It would be so easy for me to join you. Though I can’t just yet I feel so bad leaving you there on your own though I can’t leave your brothers and sisters they still need me around. Though never forget that mummy loves you

Been Quiet

I thought I might make a blog post as I haven’t made one in a while. Things have been somewhat full on. I’m not even sure where to start.

The kids are going well. I seen them yesterday, it was a bit chaotic as Dom and Lucy had so much energy due to it being school holidays. Athena and Alexi were a little bit more chilled.

I also had a job interview yesterday for Aldi. Pretty sure I smashed it. I spent roughly 15 mins with the interview hiring manager she explained to me they were interviewing 12 people though only had 4 positions. I then spent 45 mins with the store manager walking around the Aldi store talking about the role and he asked me a lot of questions. I left the Interview thinking really positively about it. I should find out by next Monday if I got the job or not.

I have my family group meeting this coming Wednesday. My lawyer has given me a list of things I need to do before hand so I’ve been busy trying to arrange that. She has also drafted up a letter for the courts outlining care for me to receive the kids back with in 9 months.

I’ve been chilling out most afternoons with music, I’m trying hard to find d a song that suits my mindset and how I’m feeling though nothing suits.

Next Friday is Bryce’s birthday he would of been 13 years old. It really doesn’t feel that long. I wonder what he would look like? What his favourite thing to do would be? I wonder how his voice would sound? I will more than likely head out to his grave and spend some time with him.

Change

They say that a change is as good as a holiday. Somehow I think they’re right. You can change just about anything. Your appearance, your clothing, your lifestyle etc

Change is good, it’s even better if it takes you out of your comfort zone. It can just be something small or it can be massive.

My change was little, I changed my hair colour. Part of me is regretting it though I felt like a change. My next big change will be to look at everything in life positively, it might be a bit of a stretch from me, though none the less I’m going to give it a try 😀😀

One change i really need it to change my eating habits, I need to start eating healthy and not just gouging into what ever is in front of me, I’m sure we have all done it sometime in our lives. If they made healthy food taste better or even have some form of taste it probably wouldn’t be that hard to do so. But I love my carbs way to much. I just need to limit myself I guess

What part of yourself or your life have you changed? Was it easy for you?

Well that’s about it for now

Take care xxx

Home

Rain rain go away
I don’t want to feel this way
Feeling like I’m lost
I’ve had things taken from me
That I feel I love the most
There’s no one more deserving
Nor someone more loving
Its been far to long
They’ve been away from home
Bring them back where they belong

Dark Place

Heading down that lonely road
Feeling myself go into isolation mode
Not knowing where to turn
Or even who to trust
I feel I’ve got myself lost
Being stuck with one’s mind
Everything you loved being left behind
Heading into that dark space
Looking into the mirror
I don’t even recognise my own face
Ask for help and be given a handful of pills
And being told this is how you’re meant to feel

She

As the tears rolled down her face
She felt all her sorrow disappear
She found her new found freedom
She was no longer a bird caught in a cage
Who is she now to become
Now that she has been set free
Now there’s nothing holding her down
As the tears rolled down her face
She spread her wings and learnt to fly