Defeated

So today started out alright. Actually today started out great. Then I started to think about things and I’m currently up in limbo with everything that is going on.

I’m getting the Ring-around from my cso, when all I want to do is to get the ball rolling to finally get my kids back. Though nothing is going to happen until I have my FGM (family group meeting) though she can’t give me a time frame for that only that she sent a referral off for it and now has to wait…

I’m still trying to find my own place, though in say that its hard to find a place cos I don’t know when I’m getting the kids back. I can get a shared accommodation very quickly. Though if I will be getting my kids back with in 6 months , I’m better off staying where I am…

I just want my kids back already, this stuff around is really doing my head in.

And on top of all that I’m looking for work. Though can’t go full time as I have visitstion with the kids during the week. It’s either i find work or i go back to study as I can’t keep doing this sitting around home crap it’s doing my head in even more.

So with everything up in limbo its left me feeling quiet defeated. Maybe I’m just overthinking everything like normal

That bloody fly

I see this on Facebook, and I had to share it, as its so true. I have a stupid fly caught inside as we speak. I have no idea how it got in, as I don’t go outside any more and all my windows have screens on them…. but the little asshat won’t leave me alone. It has a whole house to fly around in but it has to be in my personal space

I read on another blog that they can live for up to 28 days. This shocked me as I though the common house fly only lasted for 24 hours. So I’m going to have this thing annoying me for the next 27 days… the flat mate that I never wanted.

I curse the person who though that making the house fly would be a good idea… like what were they thinking???? They are annoying, disgusting and a pest…

To Say, Or Not To Say?

That’s the question that has been going through my head since the weekend. One would think it would be easy to just come and blurt it out. Though everything I seem to muster up enough guts to, I freeze, and can’t say it/ask it.

I’ve never once had a problem like this before. I’ve always been able to speak my mind and not think twice about it. Though for some reason I just can’t seem to spit this out. I just don’t want to make a fool put of myself.. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Like bloody hell im 34 years old I’m a grown women, I should be able to say it right, I guess I just don’t want to wreck a good thing to. I should just grow a pair right?? My gut seriously feels like it’s in the back of my throat……

Poor Alexi.

So Alexi is day 4 of RSV the poor thing is in a horrible state. They have him on low flow oxygen. It breaks my heart seeing him like this. I spent a good couple of hours with him today, we had some good cuddles. Though he was really struggling to breath, he did shoot me the odd smile here and there though, and he gooed and gared at me.

Live, Love, Laugh 🥰🥰

My new life motto is live, love, laugh.

Live: I am going to live my life, nothing is going to hold me down any more. You on only have 1 life, and its not like your going to get out alive. So why not make the most of it now

Love: If I’m going to love, then I will love with my whole heart. There is so much to life that you can love, and I’m sure I’m going to find out.

Laugh: no more going through life sad and depressed. If something lightens you life laugh, not just a giggle but a full gut wrenching laugh. Be happy, be carefree live a little. Since I’ve started allowing myself to laugh, the world has turned into a positive place

Your Life

I’ve been thinking for quiet some time about my life, and I have come to the realisation that my life is what I make it. If your not happy with your life or where it’s heading, do something about it, take control back of your life and steer it in the right direction.

I was really unhappy with how my life was, and was always thinking that it sucked, I felt like I was going down hill fast, and in turn this made me think of everything in a negative way. Its only now that I’m looking at everything with a positive attitude that everything seems to be going well

In no accord am I saying my life is perfect. But its heading in the right direction. Having a positive outlook on things makes things seem better.

Side Tracked

I can’t seem to focus today. My mind keeps jumping from one thing to another, I’m all over the place

I start watching a movie, my phone will go off then the next thing I know I have blown an hour on Facebook just looking through memes, then I have to restart my movie.

I have a feeling I’m heading into a Mania episode its been a while since I’ve had one of those, so this could turn out quiet interesting

Them Feelz 🥰🥰

This is totally and utterly random. I had the thought pop into my head, and though I would just run with it.

I don’t know what the feeling is even called, or if indeed it is even a feeling.

Its like a knot at the back of your throat, that makes it hard to breathe or swallow.

Its like having that butterfly/giddy feeling deep down in your stomach, that your not sure if you need to vomit or not

Its like your heart is going a million miles an hour, like you have just ran a marathon though haven’t taken a step.

Its like being so unsure though certain at the same time.

Now mix all that together and have it at the same time

This is the feeling I’m talking about, that’s even if it is a real feeling. Have you ever felt anything like this?

I have to admit most of the time when I get this feeling 8t takes me back to my teenage years, you know when the person you like handed you a note at school? I know I’m really showing my age right now 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Not really sure when I’m going with this post, just had it going through my head all day, and thought I better type it out. Anyway that’s about it for now

Take care

Be A Butterfly

Hello to all my lovely cherubs, how are you all? I’ve been in such a good mood today I thought I would make a post. I’ve almost caught up reading my followers blogs still have a few to go and comment on

I noticed today, I’m really starting to come out of the shell I created, the spark I have in eyes has returned. I’m now feeling more confident in my inner self. I really don’t find the need to hide myself away any more. I’ve gone from this horrid fury caterpillar, to now a stunning butterfly.

I’ve let go of so much stress and hatred that seemed to be pulling me down. I’m allowed to be happy, I’m allowed to feel freedom. After everything that has happened I’m allowed to be happy, and I think for the first time in a very very very long time I actually am

On a side note, had a phone call today with my lawyer over proceedings that will happen later this month. She seems to think with everything that she has with evidence etc I should be able to get my kids back with in 6 months

I’m still not smoking.

Almost 26 days without one. I still feel tempted when I go to the shops to buy a pack, then itching of how I’m going to smell once I have one, and that’s be enough to stop me from buying them. Though apparently I’ve saved over $1000, not sure where all my money has gone, possibly to food and ice coffees LOL, though I have also splurged a little on things that I wouldn’t normally buy.

I’ve been worried about gaining weight since I’ve quit smoking. I had a really bad battle with an eating disorder between the ages of 18 to 21, and now when I get stressed my hunger is the first thing to go. I wouldn’t mind starting at the gym. Maybe I’ll just start by cutting carbs out of my diet.

Though why do they have to make carbs tastes so darn good? I love my carbs way to much, I love bread, croissants, pasta, cake, my iced coffee, did I mention cake??? Great now I want cake. Maybe I should uber eats some cake….

How have all you lovely people been? Anything exciting happen? Any exciting plans?

Any way enough randomness from me. Take care and make good choices xxx

I used to be so strong, willing and able.

I used to be more than you could ever handle.

Now I’m just an empty shell

My life has turned into a living hell.

My inner flame is now just a memory

All you’ve done is destroy me.

The storm shall pass and with that

My soul will return

The flame is just a flicker now

I’m working really hard to be the girl I once knew

I’ll find her one day, no thanks to you

I feel so many emotions

Though it seems like my body is just going through the motions

I should show you the real me

You just wait and see

This time I’m not backing down

I only have one fight left in me

And I’ll use that to set me free.